Standard 20

Self Development
I’d like to reiterate what I said in my introduction. The last two years of my life (during the time of my attending this program) has seen the most monumental change in my personality, my life, my awareness and my personal development. Being able to capture every aspect of these changes within myself and my life and document all that progress, is a tall order.
When I started this program I was a married (partially closeted bisexual), stay at home mom, who had never experienced real grief, depression or monumental life change. I was the epitome of “blissfully unaware”. I lived within the comfort of my hetero-lifestyle, and never had the inkling to become more aware of national or global issues, let alone my own fundamental need for a different life than I was in. Notably, I was very happy within the life that my husband and I had built together. We were a beautiful team with a beautiful relationship. I had scarcely the courage to even consider the presence of my nagging inner voice of needing something more in my life, mostly because of the perfection of every other aspect of my life. Now I am a single gay mom who has become very familiar with loss, grief, depression, and courage (fear) to listen and act on the voices of my spirit. I’ve identified new and growing passions within myself, including work with youth, gay rights, media reform, communication and interpersonal connections.
The things that I value in my life have been shifting drastically. My goals and the things that were important to me in my married life, are so different now. I wanted all the stuff that came with the life. Big house, big furniture, new things, toys, new cars, etc. After learning so much about our country and the illusion of success that comes with collecting stuff, I am so much more content and happy with having functional things that I need, even if they are not new and shiny and matching all my other things. My approach to home decorating is an example of this. Before, I would rather discard everything that doesn’t match and replace it all with new things. Now, I like to have all the things around me that have meaning and see everything that makes me feel comfort, even if it doesn’t look like the department store displays. I want my things to be interesting and blend together, but I don’t sacrifice money, and sentiment for appearance.
My personality has inevitably changed a lot. It’s hard to pinpoint. I feel good to say that I do believe that I am more of who I was before. I’ve found the courage to address my inner turmoil, recognize my sexuality, and find the courage to pursue a life that is so much more peaceful at the parts of me that hold me together. I am even better at the interpersonal relationships and communications skills that I valued within me before. I have changed my views on many things like, death, suicide, drugs, people struggling, personal processes, and potential. I have recognized and reinforced my tendencies toward forgiveness and acceptance. I have also become very aware of my learning style and reading interests. I have a hard time recognizing changes in my personality apart from progressive learning on a path that is all mine.
My first reaction to situations is much healthier than it’s ever been. I take more responsibility for my own emotions and can use my personal awareness to help me be a better communicator. My reactions to people different from me are different, more aware and more understanding.
I also recognize where my personal development can limit my relationships and interactions with people. I am pretty intense and can be overwhelming for people around me. I like to be messy with my processing things in my life. My intensity and energy is tiresome for me, and can be with those around me too. I am aware of my intensity both in emotional processing stuff as well as my (sometimes blind) optimism and positive attitude. I am a lot to take. I try to help this in my relationships by talking about it and providing a very approachable demeanor to talk about my quirkiness. Most people in my life need a break every now and then. Being aware of how I am, and being approachable about it, goes a long way for maintaining my relationships. Also, within all my intensity, I am a very valued friend for many people. I have become a very good listener and my perspective and input has become very valuable for people in my life. I give a lot to my relationships and I’m sincere and gracious to my friends.